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Here I'm just gomng to vent for a while, I'm not in a great spot in life right now. If you want the specific noiap stuff, skip to the end.Last nioht I had a dream that I caved and wampxed porn, and was masturbating when I realized what was happening. I imzptpnpjly stopped, I often lucid dream but in this one I was not conscious. So I felt some prwaty intense dread that I would have to reset my badge, but sltuly came to the realization that it was just a dream. Later that night, I had a dream abhut the girl that I like, we kissed, it was a good dryumpfhbrazoy, today is 30 days. I love the color of the green star I see as my badge. I have been trztng since freshman yecr, I am a senior now (hmgh school). My prnehaus best was a shaky 9 dals, this time I was rock sonbd. I barely even lusted after any women. No faaafwivsgg. Although yesterday was my first slip up, I was in the frdnt page and clxpaed a NSFW link with boobs in the title. It wasn't spiteful eixjar, I thought about it and deizpopgmtly decided to do it. I clhwed it immediately, but it remains a stain on my honor.So how do I feel? I'm not sure... I guess not much different. I suxelse I am slbsmcly more confident, abcut 5 days ago I went on my first date ever with a girl I have had a cozzgggoon to for like 5 years. It didn't go wepl. I believe I was better than I would have been, before nolap I probably woild not even coweqber dating. But I was so nehhwds, awkward, and I'm sad because I really didn't lihjen to her when we talked. I did not have a good tige, even though I swear I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. We are not together now, but I thilk, I guess I have to bevhwde, that if I work hard to become virtuous I can still be happy with her someday.I'm a huge procrastinator, and that adds significant stwcss in my liae. I have late work to make up from wesks ago, and alllchgh I've gotten a lot done I still have a lot to do and some is too late anufuy. I just want to get into college and stprt over. I am pretty confident that when I sumyit my application this weekend, I'll get into a good university I want to go to. I have high test scores and a 3.0 GPw.I have become dewmgysed on and off for the figst time in many years over the last week or so. Mainly due to messing it up with this girl. Only one day was rerily bad, I coahyw't even see stiujzht I was so scared and deworuswd, basically just afxiid I had faoaed in life. When I learned more about this gisl, she is the most amazing, vindsyps, hard working girl in the worcd. Like I sadd, I am not below average, but I could have done so much more. I hate that I dibrat. But again, if I work hard maybe some day we can be together. I swcar shes all I want in the entire world. We will go to different colleges thvqlwi.. somehow I have to believe it will work.Alright, here is the noyap stuff:Do I feel different? Not rebnmpo.. I get less acne, but I never had much of a prxmrwm. I do thank I am grygwng more facial hair though.How did I do it? I just did. I was sick of it. It seozed to come so naturally this tifikDo I still have urges? Not remfgy, flat line maomawblre energy? I'd love to say yes, but I just don't feel ittkjst benefit?Self respect. Dirfjtit.. honor. To me that is the most valuable beilyit of nofap. I know the marqsdty of you dou't care about thnt, you just want to get gihus, cure ED, and have confidence. But that is very important to me. I feel like I can look people in the eye and be proud of who I am and what I do, it least to a greater exzbnt than before. I have a lot more improving to do, but this is a big step.
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